Everytime
by Bedlam Flux
Summary: Another sleepless night for Bella, only this time her dreams and delusions carry her so much farther into a reality she thought she'd never again experience. Set New Moon.


_**Okay, so I'm honestly not a big fan of Britney Spears, but I'll go for anything when the lyrics are good. I saw the video, and I fell in love with this song. It applied too well with New Moon, so of course, I had to write something. Lol, I hope you enjoy, it's a little sad. **_

_**Oh, and this has absolutely nothing to do with my other stuff. This is set in New Moon during the empty months. So, no Jacob, and no cliffs. **_

**_--_**

Tears, like warm raindrops, fell onto my already damp pillow. I didn't want to shatter the calm of the night with my screams, so I avoided sleep, ignored the drooping of my heavy eyelids, and chose instead to listen to the torrents of rain beating against my window. It created a steady, rhythmic tempo in my head, and ever so slightly dulled the ripping awareness in my heart.

The night was brutal, lightning ripping across the sky as if to permanently splinter it. Unlike most others in Forks, there was no calm before this storm. It had been raining for months on end, no breaks in the downpour, no stray rays of sunlight, just gloomy, unemotional hammerings from the sky.

I turned in my bed, coming to face my closet, and my eyes unconsciously strayed to the empty space next to me. The sheets there were unwrinkled, perfectly aligned.

_As if I'd never existed. _

_Notice me, _

_take my hand,  
So why are we,  
strangers when,  
Our love is strong  
why carry on without me?_

I shut my eyes quickly, only to see his face flash behind the lids. There was no escape from that hauntingly beautiful, completely evocative visage. It was everywhere I looked now. I could see his silhouette when I stared hard enough into the forest, could feel his body pressed against mine when I was in that stage of in-between sleep. My mind knew he was gone, but the rest of me refused to believe that he'd ever leave, ever truly ruin what was supposed to be forever. It was just delusion when I heard the whisper of his voice on the wind, or imagined his eyes staring at me through the never-ending rain.

Delusions, perhaps, but they were real enough to cause me pain, or to bring euphoria, if only for a moment.

_And every time I try to fly I fall_

_Without my wings  
I feel so small  
I guess I need you, baby  
And every time I see you in my dreams  
I see your face, it's haunting me  
I guess I need you baby_

Gently, so as not to upset the creakiness of a few ancient floor boards, I swung my legs around, my toes touching the frosty ground. I rose, finding myself sweaty with stress, even though the night was cold and unforgiving. My feet made little to no noise as I tip toed across the floor, stopping at the window. My forehead met the frigid glass of the pane with a low '_thump_', and I closed my eyes once more, exhaustion creeping into my system.

Possibilities raced through my head, running over each other with their creativity. I could feel my imagination getting the best of me as I felt the artificial murmur of his lips on my neck, the coolness of his sweet breath in my ear. Every fiber of me ached for him; every piece of me was falling apart without him to hold me together.

I make believe  
that you are here  
It's the only way  
I see clear  
what have I done  
you seem to move on easy

It was the only wound I'd ever had that couldn't be healed with stitches or rest. It was a whole new concept that maybe I'd _never_ heal, never again be able to love, to trust, to _smile_.

I let my daydreams carry me away, promising to myself to worry in the morning, to fall into the hole of infinite desolation when this night was over.

Just one night to relish in my dreams, to postpone the suffering of my indulgences. I didn't care, right then, that this would make the hole bigger, that this would just tear apart the seams holding me together.

I opened my eyes.

_  
And every time I try to fly I fall_

_Without my wings  
I feel so small  
I guess I need you baby  
And every time I see you in my dreams  
I see your face, you're haunting me  
I guess I need you baby_

He crouched on the window ledge before me, the perfect statue of beauty, just as I remembered. His hand rested on the opposite side of my window, and his hair was matted to his face. My eyes devoured the sight of him hungrily, wanting to consume the illusion of his form before the rain washed my hallucination away. Tears sprung up in my eyes as he stared back at me. I was amazed at how accurately my mind conjured him. Surely I'd never imagined such splendor, he had to have been real, once, hadn't he?

It came as a shock when that voice, muffled as it was by the rain, still reached my ears like velvet pressed against my cheek.

_Bella._

I choked on a sob, one, shaky hand coming to press itself equal to his. His golden orbs floated to the close contact between our palms, and I pressed mine deeper into the glass, wanting to touch him, to get as close as I possibly could. For a moment, I cast my eyes heavenward, wondering if I should allow myself this sick pleasure. Should I open the window?

_  
I may have made it rain  
Please forgive me  
My weakness caused you pain  
And this song's my sorry  
_

I was selfish in the end, and with my hands trembling terribly, I unlatched the window, pushing it open. He landed noiselessly on my floor, water dripping down his body, landing with a '_drip, drip' _onto the wood. My lips were parted, my expression awed as I raked over him with my eyes. He hadn't changed at all, and yet a part of me expected him to look older, to look worn, and to look as if he had been suffering at least _half_ the amount that I was.

Some of me wanted to know he was in pain, but that it would never happen. It was a delusion after all, not a reality. My mind wouldn't create him to look any different than in the state I'd last seen him in. It wouldn't craft him with any _human_ weaknesses like sadness or grief.

_Oh, Bella_, he whispered, _you're exhausted, and so pale._

The corner of my lip twitched, but still, I had no words to say to this incredible manifestation of my memories. It was all too good to be true.

_Say something_, he urged, _anything, Bella_.

Finally, with much hesitation, my lips formed the words, _I've always been pale._

The corner of his lip turned up at my stumbled over phrase, and his ghostly hand came out to touch my shoulder. I expected no feeling from the contact, but yelped, and jumped away from the touch when I actually _did_ feel it. It was as if his hand had truly clamped around my shoulder, his thumb resting on my upper arm.

_Oh_, I whispered, suddenly feeling as if the breath was knocked from me, _you're real._

_  
At night I pray  
that soon your face  
will fade away_

Never had I expected that he'd come back. His words, like daggers through the heart every time I replayed them, still lingered, fiercely clear in memory.

_You're no good for me Bella._

_**You don't want me? **_

_No. _

I staggered backwards, the back of my thigh coming in contact with my desk. The computer rattled a little, but was otherwise unscathed. The lamp tipped over, and was sent spiraling to the ground. White hands caught it in mid plunge, and I gaped again.

He was, in all aspects, existent.

That, more than anything else sent my heart into frenzy. I could feel it beating against my ribcage, sending palpitations through my bloodstream. My entire being reacted to him in different ways. My head wanted to scream, to rant, to break down, while my heart longed once again for his touch, for his kiss, for his voice. My body was pulled magnetically toward him, ravenous for the proximity it had been without.

_Bella?_ He spoke again, and my heart consumed his voice like a drug, _what's wrong?_

I froze, my hand steadied on the edge of the desk, my knuckles turning white as I gripped it, _Everything._

He peered deeply, past my eyes and to the depths of my withered soul, the soul _he'd_ mangled, _I'm sorry. I'll go._

The thought of him leaving left me without breathing, and I caught the edge of his shirt as he turned away from me, _No_, I whispered brokenly, _not again._

_Bella_, he pleaded, _I don't understand. This is obviously causing you pain._

I laughed, perhaps for the first time in months, but to my body it felt like years, _Love hurts sometimes, doesn't it?_

He shook his head, water falling gracefully onto my skin from his hair, _It shouldn't. Not for you. _

_Unrequited as it is_, I told him, taking another step closer to his soaking form, _it **should** hurt_. I traced my finger over his face, reveling in the softest of touches. How long had a suffered to just stroke his skin? _I deserve it for being so foolish. _

_Foolish? _He asked, _Unrequited? Bella, I **love** you._

My lips formed a smile all their own, and I guided my fingertips over his flushed lips, _Don't say it to please me,_ I murmured softly, _you said you didn't love me, Edward, and I was a fool to think you ever had._ My hand fell away from his face and I frowned up at him, _Why are you here?_

His hands settled on my shoulders and I took a deep breath at the immense contact of his skin on mine, _To beg for your love back. I made a mistake, a horrible, reckless mistake. I've always loved you, and always will. When I told you those things, I was lying, Bella. Without you, I can't survive any longer._

It was what I'd wanted to hear, for so long my heart craved those words. Now, however, that he said them, they were unbelievable. I shook my head lightly, _You said you didn't want me Edward._

_  
And every time I try to fly I fall_

_Without my wings  
I feel so small  
I guess I need you baby_

_But I do,_ he said strongly, pulling me against him. I was stiff in his arms, but all he did was draw me closer. Our problems, our night, were far from over, but then; all I wanted was to be embraced by him. If I had him for only as long as the sun stayed hidden behind the trees, I was going to take pleasure in in the time permitted.

His lips met mine, soft and delicate at first. But I didn't want careful kisses or fragile affections. I pressed myself to him, my arms snaking their way around his neck. Breath and thought were forgotten, and I was lost in his flavor, and he seemed to be lost in mine.

For that instant, I could feel he needed me, and I had _always_ needed him.

_And every time I see you in my dreams  
I see your face, you're haunting me  
I guess I need you baby_

_**--**  
_

_**I don't think I'll be writing the solution to their problems, but maybe if I'm inspired. She hasn't accepted him yet, that's not that easy, but it's a start. Review please.** _


End file.
